Films | Review | White Settlers / The Blood Lands (2014)

So apparently, this film has two names, which I was unaware of when I first watched it on Netflix as White Settlers. But, here's the thing... who cares? A rose by any other name can smell like absolute shit... This film was shit. Spoilers after the jump, yo.

White Settlers stars Lee Williams (a Welshie, shout out) and Pollyanna McIntosh, and honeslty I think these two did the best that they could with what they were given. Williams more so than McIntosh, although she had to deal with more of that god fucking awful script and direction than Williams did, so again, not all her fault.

So, Williams and McIntosh play a London-based couple who decide to move to the back arse end of Scotland and buy a house in the middle of nowhere. It was cheaper than London, okay fair, I can buy into that. I mean, there's no way in hell they can both have jobs still, as they've moved hundreds of miles away from them, and there are no people or businesses for miles around so I don't know how they're going to get income, but sure yeah, makes sense. Whatever. So, the house was cheap because the old guy that lived there died and was behind on his mortage payments, so it was for the bank or something to sell, rather than it be inheritence for the guy's sons. Oh what's that, estate agent lady? Is that exposition? Red flag, okay cheers for the heads up.

I'll sum this up as quickly as possible. They move in. It's all good. Oh hang on, noises in the night? Maybe it's ghosts. Oh wait no it's not ghosts, it's some Scottish blokes in pig masks, here to terrorise them. They get a bit beat up and captured, and then they wake up in Manchester, thankful to be alive. Why Manchester? I honestly don't fucking know what was wrong with all the cities inbetween Scotland and Manchester, but there we go, pulling the sacks off their heads by a tram station. Cut to the sons having a family barbeque at the house in Scotland with one of their kids running around with one of those pig masks on. Okay, cool.

Right, I'll end this by saying that this review was actually so much harder to write than you might think. Like, if I enjoy a film, it's really fun to analyse it and pick it apart, both good parts and bad. It's so, so easy to write about what was bad in a good film, because it either sticks out like a sore thumb, or it's just personal preference. But in cases like these, when a film is so bad it has no redeeming features, it's just boring to write about.

However, I felt like I needed to do my part for society and warn people about just how unbelieveably shite White Settlers is. Stay away from this film, because you're not gonna enjoy it, and you will never, ever get those 82 minutes of your life back.