Films | Review | Eloise (2016)

As a massive fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I wasn't about to pass up the opportunity of watching a horror film starring Eliza Dushku, known better to me as Faith. Eloise also starred Chris Crawford, known better to me as "discount Chris Pine", Robert Patrick, Brandon T. Jackson, and P. J. Byrne. Spoilers after the jump.


Okay, so, plot overview! Chace needs to prove he's his father's sole living relative in order to get like, $1.2m from his will. In order to do that, he needs to find his aunt's death certificate from Eloise insane asylum, which should still exist in physical format in the annex where they kept their records. Y'know, despite the building having burnt down a couple of decades ago. A time constraint is added due to a formal request taking like, 8 months, plus Chace's mate Jackson owing "20 Gs" to someone or other, and if you think they don't say "20 Gs" about 5 times in that one conversation, you would be very wrong. So they happen across this dude who's posted loads of blueprints of Eloise online and go meet him, turns out he's a couple of eggs short of an eggshell, so his hot sister Dushku is like, yeah cool beans! Let's all go for an evening trip to the abandoned burnt out insane asylum that our mum used to work at and then disappeared at, fun times. Bullshit commences.

I want to take a minute to appreciate how fucking SWEATY Dushku's eyelids were in the opening and ending scenes when she was mute in the hospital bed. They obviously didn't detract much from the fact that she's absolutely gorgeous, but those eyelids were the sweatiest I'd ever seen. It's like someone smeared goddamn vaseline on them, it was insane. I mean, I just don't understand who went through the opening scene and was like, "you know what this scene needs? Sweaty eyelids". I... Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.

I mean, it really kind of set the tone for the way this movie had been produced. The pure atrocity of the script prompted me not once, but twice to stop and stare at the screen in utter shock. I had to google the full script in order to be sure that I'd heard what I just heard. It was just so totally beyond blunt, there was no nuance, and it sounded so horrifically unnatural and jarring. Please see below for one of the worst examples:

Scene: Chace Crawford discussing his father's will with his lawyer Lawyer: blah blah blah, you need to go get this paperwork from the insane asylum Chace: -getting up to leave- k thanks mate see you later Lawyer: "Your father had cancer the last three years. But, it wasn't the cancer that killed him. When things got really bad, he decided to take his own life. With a straight razor." Chace: ... okay??? bye -end scene-

Who the fuck approved this script. The conversations between Chace and Jackson were cringy and too try-hard, and after the straight razor scene above, these two have a bizarre joke about straight razors when Chace finds Jackson apparently about to rob his father's house, which is just laughed off. P. J. Byrne has apparently never seen Tropic Thunder and therefore didn't know not to go "full retard", and the characters were given just the most muddled backstories ever, making it fully impossible to empathise with them, or believe any of the tenuous connections they made with each other in what, the 2 hours they were in Eloise asylum poking about through filing cabinets and giving themselves lobotomies or whatever.

The film overall is nonsensical, the time jumps are slightly confusing, the plot reveals are dumb, and there's no real point to the film whatsoever. Completely disappointing but I absolutely adore Eliza Dushku, and Chace Crawford (discount Chris Pine) is gorgeous, so I'm gonna give the film an extra half point as a bonus.

1.2/5